So Why Don't You Write Anymore?

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. Well I do. I write scientific articles for science journals. Plenty of them. In fact I can't quite remember, the last time I wasn't writing a scientific paper. But I am living in the hope that someday I'll have something productive to show for it.

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. I do. Or I did. I used to write a lot of informative non-fiction for online paid SEO's and IT Newsletters, mainly for the benefit of other people, over a year ago . I even used to get paid! But not too much. Very little, as a matter fact. I used to write a lot. But spending 3 hours for writing 5 articles and then getting paid only 150 bucks three times a week, resulted in brain drain, exhaustion and mental dissatisfaction. And if that wasn't enough you have to face the Team Leaders, Magazine editors and Blog Managers who would never be satisfied enough with the content and/or the number of articles. I love writing and I love these diverse writing platforms, but even the most desperate 'wannabe writer's' do not understand the supposed creativity (or the lack of it), precise productivity and utility of content writing.

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. I write emails. To scientists, journals, conference conveners, editors of scientific journals, editors of online magazines. On an average I probably write at least 1 email/day, which is probably not too much. But if anyone checked my draft folder they'll be shocked to see all those massive number of mails that were never sent and probably never would be. 

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. Trust me I do. I write inside my mind. My brain has already plotted some of the best stories and poems of our time. Some of the best suspense-thrillers, detective stories and even love stories (almost all of which were tragic love stories, where ends never meet) had been baked inside the incubator that is my deceptive brain. 

Did you just notice I said my 'deceptive' brain? The only problem with those stories were that they were concocted when I wasn't anywhere near to jotting them down and eventually missed out on the finer details. By the time I started writing them down I had forgotten most of them.

So, inside my head I've already won the Booker Prize, Edgar Prize and the Pulitzer prize for my award winning non existing novels. Too bad I don't even remember what they were about. 😉 😃  My brain really is quite deceptive. It can be extraordinary at best whenever need be or the most ordinary at its laziest when you expect the least.

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. I have. Not as much as I would have liked to, but I have. I have written quite a few bits and pieces. But I haven't posted them. I haven't published them. For writer's (and not just for fiction writing but for scientific writing as well) publishing or getting published is the most important act which generates that ultimate sense of closure. But every now and then I struggle with misinterpretation of my writing. What if they are not perceived and reciprocated the way I want them to be. What if the readers are judgmental. It's true that this fear of 'being judged by people who don't even know me properly' is something I deal with on a daily basis. And eventually my writings and especially, publishing and blogging suffers. 

So the question is, what's the point of writing if I don't want to publish?

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. I tried. Sometime ago my roommate and one of mine closest friend went home and I had the whole room to myself. And I had more than couple of weeks of solitude. Which, might sound selfish but, was awesome. It was a good time as any to write. To write endlessly about something, about everything; about universe, about life, about war, about crime, about mysteries, about love, about the most seemingly insignificant details concealing the most significant façades, and so on. But I didn't. There was so much to write about, so much to tell, and I didn't and I couldn't. 

I tried and failed.

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. I don't have the energy or patience, not anymore. I'm tired.

I used to be good at this. Words. They were all I had. Never was the best talker but always a decent writer. The written words were always louder, firm and resolute than my spoken ones. I'd like to think that I'm not that bad at it even now. But what's the point? I'm tired now. Words are not enough..

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. Because I don't want to. Because it's not right anymore. 

May be someday I would. Someday, when there are people who want to read what I have to say, when I know what I want to say, and they won't be judgmental. Someday, when people are not afraid to approach this awkward guy who doesn't talk much and say what they want to say and converse and voice their feelings and opinions instead of judge and criticize from a distance.

Q. So why don't you write anymore?

A. Because Life passed me by, while the pen stood still on the paper and the fingers remained unmoved over the keyboard ..................................................................   ... ..  ..   .

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[Few days back I found out an extremely talented writer and a fellow blogger, Abhijit Chakraborty of of Anonymous Writer, had been going through similar struggles. I'd have to say he's way more talented and creative plus he has been working in the IT industry for sometime, and we all know that life in IT could be extremely hectic. As a direct result of which his writing suffered. Of course you could say in contrast I've had it easy. But if there's something I've learned in these past few years is that nobody's suffering is lesser than anybody's. And the struggles he goes through, he's going through, turns out to be quite similar, except unlike me he's been quite vocal about them, in writing at least.]

[P.S.- I need to mention my senior, who on the course of these past six and a half-seven years has become a close personal friend and elder brother to me, who asked me repeatedly few months ago- "So why don't you write in your blog anymore?". I remember giving a vague answer to it, and summing them up by saying, "there are multiple reasons, lets not get into that". But he wanted hear those multiple reasons and all I could do was to change the topic. I have to say, unlike personal relationships, I have been lucky about true friends. They are too few in numbers (in lower single digits), but its not the quantity that matters, its always about the quality of friendship. 😉 ]